These are things people actually said in court, word for word: ATTORNEY: Do you speak Spanish, officer? WITNESS: Yes, I do. ATTORNEY: Are you fluent in Spanish? WITNESS: Yes, I do. PROSECUTOR: Then what did you do? POLICE OFFICER: I began kicking in the door. PROSECUTOR: Where you wearing boots? POLICE OFFICER: Yes, sir, size [...]
These are things people actually said in court, word for word: PROSECUTOR: I’ll ask you one last time, did you kill the victim? DEFENDANT: No sir, I did not. PROSECUTOR: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? DEFENDANT: Yes sir, I do; and I know they’re a lot better than the penalty for [...]
These are things people actually said in court, word for word: ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ATTORNEY: Doctor, [...]
These are things people actually said in court, word for word: ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: [...]
Your lawyer in practice spends a considerable part of his life doing distasteful things for disagreeable people who must be satisfied against an impossible time limit in which are hourly interruptions from other disagreeable people who want to derail the train; and for his blood, sweat, and tears, he receives in the end a few [...]
A guy walks into a post office one day to see an overweight, middle-aged, bald man standing at the counter methodically placing “love” stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes covered in hearts. The man then took out a perfume bottle and spritzed each envelope. His curiosity gets the better of him, so [...]
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s [...]
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer, wanting to start a conversation with the gentleman next to him, said “I’m here ‘cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.” “That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer, “I’m here [...]
A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s aide eventually agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Brown just died, and [...]
Did you hear they came out with a new Barbie doll called “Divorce Barbie”? It comes with all of Ken’s stuff Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked an airplane full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met. Did you hear about the attorney who was lost [...]
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men called? A: A law firm. Q: What’s wrong with lawyer jokes? A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re [...]
Q. How are an apple and a lawyer alike? A. They both look good hanging from a tree. Q. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? A. Nothing; there are some things even a pig won’t do. Q. You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer, and [...]
Q. Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California have all the lawyers? A. Because New Jersey got first pick! Q. What do you need when you have a car half full of cement and a lawyer in it? A. More cement. Q. Why do lawyers display a copy of their [...]
Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers? A. A waste of cement. Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A1. Shoot him before he hits the water. A2. Take your foot off his head. Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A. Cut the [...]
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years; a good lawyer can make it last even longer. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a [...]
Q. What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the snake. Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure? A. The bucket. Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? A. God doesn’t [...]
