ATTORNEY: Do you speak Spanish, officer?
WITNESS: Yes, I do.
ATTORNEY: Are you fluent in Spanish?
WITNESS: Yes, I do.

PROSECUTOR: Then what did you do?
POLICE OFFICER: I began kicking in the door.
PROSECUTOR: Where you wearing boots?
POLICE OFFICER: Yes, sir, size twelve.
PROSECUTOR: How many times did you kick the door?
POLICE OFFICER: About ten.
PROSECUTOR: What was Sergeant Harp doing while you were kicking the door?
POLICE OFFICER: Laughing at me.

PROSECUTOR: Are you sure that you did not enter the Seven-Eleven on 40th and N.E. Broadway and hold up the cashier on June 17 of this year?
DEFENDANT: I’m pretty sure.

ATTORNEY: Have you, any members of your family, or close friends, been arrested for any kind of crime?
WITNESS: My brother was once arrested.
ATTORNEY: How long ago was that?
WITNESS: Six, seven years ago.
ATTORNEY: And what was the nature of the offense?
WITNESS: I’m not exactly sure. I think he was mainly arrested for being stupid.

JUDGE: I suppose the money found on the defendant at the time of his arrest came from this liquor store robbery?
DEFENDANT: No, that was bank robbery money.
JUDGE: Has anyone led you to believe the governor will pardon you if you plead guilty?
DEFENDANT: Well, I haven’t been home, Judge, but he might have called my mother.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July fifteenth.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

PROSECUTOR: I’ll ask you one last time, did you kill the victim?
DEFENDANT: No sir, I did not.
PROSECUTOR: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
DEFENDANT: Yes sir, I do; and I know they’re a lot better than the penalty for murder.

ATTORNEY: Could you see him from where you were standing?
WITNESS: I could see his head.
ATTORNEY: And where was his head?
WITNESS: Just above his shoulders.

JUDGE: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
JURY CANDIDATE: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
JUDGE: Can’t they do without you at work?
JURY CANDIDATE: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

ATTORNEY: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
WITNESS: The victim lived.

ATTORNEY: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
WITNESS: She is my daughter.
ATTORNEY: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

JUDGE: In this case the request is made for the appointment of a psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a fence post.
ATTORNEY: Has the court stated it in numerical terms?
JUDGE: His IQ is less than zero.

The defendant, charged with arson, missed a court appearance.
JUDGE: Where were you?
DEFENDANT: In the hospital.
JUDGE: Why?
DEFENDANT: Smoke inhalation.

JUDGE: You’ve been charged with armed robbery. Do you want the court to appoint a lawyer to represent you?
DEFENDANT: You don’t have to appoint a very good lawyer; I’m going to plead guilty.

ATTORNEY: When was the last time you saw Mr. Mitchell?
WITNESS: At his funeral.
ATTORNEY: Did he make any comments to you at that time?

JUDGE: Is there anything else you would like to say before I pass sentence?
DEFENDANT: Yes; Kirk to Enterprise—beam me up.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh . . . are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Did your son tell you before he came in here what day it was?
WITNESS: No, he didn’t tell me, but I myself know.
ATTORNEY: Did your granddaughter talk to you about it?
WITNESS: No, sometimes when I’m sober and working around the house, I remember these things.

ATTORNEY NO. 1: Your Honor, for the record, I would like to note that the last time I was in court with the defendant, the defendant did not have a haircut. He has had a haircut in the meantime. Just like that on the record.
ATTORNEY NO. 2: There’s nothing illegal about that, is there?
JUDGE: It’s on the record. That’s all I know about it.
ATTORNEY NO. 2: I had a haircut last week.
ATTORNEY NO. 3: I’m planning on getting a haircut next week.
ATTORNEY NO. 4: I got one yesterday.
ATTORNEY NO. 2: May I make an inquiry as to the court reporter?
JUDGE: I was just going to ask.

JUDGE: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sir?
DEFENDANT: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

ATTORNEY NO. 1: Defense Counsel is accountable to you (the jury).
ATTORNEY NO. 2: Judge, I object to that. I object to him referring to me as a cannibal, Judge.
JUDGE: He said accountable.
ATTORNEY NO. 2: A what?
JUDGE: He said accountable, not a cannibal.
ATTORNEY NO. 2: It sounded like cannibal to me and I object.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you crappin’ me?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
— Henry Kissinger

The difficult task, after one learns how to think like a lawyer, is relearning how to write like a human being.
— Floyd Abrams

We wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that the United States is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
— mlaw.org

Ninety-eight-year-old Mrs. Simpson walked slowly into her attorney’s office, sat down, and said, “I want a divorce.” The lawyer was astonished. “But, Mrs. Simpson, you’ve been married for seventy-five years. Why do you want a divorce now?” The woman replied, “We wanted to wait till the children were dead.”

Called into the judge’s chambers, the attorneys immediately launched into a verbal volley. “You are, without a doubt, the world’s biggest fool!” said one. “And you, my friend, are the biggest ass in history!” The judge shouted, “Counselors, please! Have you forgotten that I am in the room?”

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of $10 million. His bookkeeper is deaf, which was a primary reason he was given the job in the first place—it was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about later in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells his lawyer, “Ask him where the $10 million is that he embezzled from me.” The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo’s temple and says, “Ask him again!” The lawyer signs to Enzo, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.” Enzo signs back, “Okay, okay, you win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno’s backyard in Woodbridge!” The Godfather asks the lawyer, so what did he say?” The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end to end, on the equator—it would be a good idea to just leave them there.

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?” “We have to eat grass because we don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. Shocked, the lawyer said, “Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you!” “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me; they are over there under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, “You come with us, too.” The second man said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.” “Bring them all!” the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”

Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other’s dog was just sitting there, with no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed. The first hunter asked, “What’s wrong with your dog? The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I’d ever seen!” “Well,” the other hunter replied, “His name’s Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard and getting the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge, so now all he does is sit on his butt and bark.”

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “Divorce attorney.”

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, “We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.” Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, “I still can’t tell where we are Harry, let’s ask that gentleman down there on the ground.” Harry yells down to the stranger, “Hey, mister can you tell us where we are?” “You’re in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air,” came the reply. “That man must be a lawyer,” George quipped. “How can you tell?” said Harry. “Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!”

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway. One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble, so he pulled over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station. The Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer. After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway. As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney. Surprised upon hearing a loud “thump” as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road. “I’m so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!” the truck driver explained. “You did my son, but I got him with the door!” replied the Nun.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are seated in the same compartment on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of vodka out of his luggage, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and firmly states, “In Russia, we have best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as one we make in mother Russia. And, we have much of it, so much we can just throw it away like water.” Whereupon the Russian opens the train’s window and hurls the vodka out of the train. The others in the compartment are quite impressed. Just then the Cuban removes a box of Havana cigars from his luggage, removes one, lights it and begins to smoke. “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world, ‘Havanas’, nowhere in the world are there such many and good cigars, and we have much of them also, such many that we can just throw them away.” Making that bold statement, the Cuban sends the box of Havanas the way of the vodka. Once again, the compartment’s occupants are quite impressed. At that moment, not to be out done, the American abruptly stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer out!

A devout, good couple were about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, “We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?” “Are you kidding?” said St. Peter. “It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I’ll never get a lawyer.”

“There I was, alone in the jungle and about to be eaten by a lion,” Dave said to Charlie. “And then I uttered the words that saved my life: ‘I am an attorney and an honest man.’” “How did that save your life?” asked Charlie. “Well,” said Dave, “not even a lion can swallow that.”

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners. The lawyer thought about this for a moment, and then asked, “So what’s the catch?”

A couple of lawyers are out hunting in the woods when one of them suddenly falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other lawyer quickly pulls out his cell phone and calls 911 for help. “911, state the nature of your emergency,” says the emergency operator. “My friend is dead! What can I do?” gasps the lawyer. “Just take it easy; I can help you,” the operator says calmly. “First, let’s make sure he’s actually dead.” There’s a short pause, then a shot is heard. The lawyer’s voice comes back to the line and hurriedly asks, “OK, now what?”

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked an airplane full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

Did you hear about the attorney who was lost in thought?
Seems it was unfamiliar territory.

Did you hear about the word processing program just for attorneys?
Whatever font you select, it comes out in fine print.

A law firm receptionist answers the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. “Is Mr. Smith there?” asks the client on the phone. “I’m very sorry,” the receptionist answers, “but Mr. Smith passed away last night.” The client thanks the receptionist and hangs up. The next day, the same client calls again and asks for Mr. Smith. “I’m sorry,” the receptionist replies again, “but Mr. Smith is deceased.” The client thanks her and hangs up. The next day, the same client calls again and asks for Mr. Smith. The exasperated receptionist replies, “Look, I don’t know how much clearer I can make this, but Mr. Smith is DEAD!” “Oh I heard you the first time,” said the client, “I just really like to hear you say it.”

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to the place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$150.00 for three questions,” replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that kinda steep?” asked the man while dolling out the $150.00. “Yes it is,” answered the lawyer, “what’s your third question?”

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. “Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge. “Sure,” replied the defendant, “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”

Q:  If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men called?
A:  A law firm.

Q:  What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
A:  Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.

Q:  What do you say to a lawyer when you see he’s about to get hit by a truck?
A:

Q:  What happened to the lawyer when he took Viagra?
A:  He got taller.

Q:  Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach?
A:  Cats keep covering them with sand.

Q:  What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A:  All the information you need—but you can’t understand a word of it.

Q:  What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A:  Senator.

Q:  What’s the difference between one law office or two law offices in a small town?
A:  One can earn an okay living, but two can make a fortune.

Q. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A. Nothing; there are some things even a pig won’t do.

Q. You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets; what should you do?
A. Shoot the lawyer; twice.

Q. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A. Skeet.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A1: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
A2. Once launched, they can’t be recalled.
A3. When they land, they screw everything up for the next 20 years.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

Q: What’s better than a dead lawyer lying in the road?
A: Two dead lawyers lying in the road.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a cement truck traveling at 60 mph?
A: Never enough.

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To sue the chicken on the other side.

Q. What do you need when you have a car half full of cement and a lawyer in it?
A. More cement.

Q. Why do lawyers display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A. Your Honor.

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What’s brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Because deep down they’re actually good.

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Only three; the rest are true stories.

Q. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.

Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1. Back over him to make sure he’s dead.
A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q. What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A. There was still one empty seat.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his butt.

Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can’t understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they’re boring.

Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start!

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A lobotomy.

Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A. The bucket.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
A. God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One’s a slimy scum-sucking scavenger; the other is just a fish.

Q. What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A. One is a blood-sucking parasite; the other is an insect.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

Q. What’s the difference between a stagecoach and a lawyer?
A. One is built for the long haul and runs roughshod over everything in its path; the other carries passengers.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.